Posted in Life, musings, reality

The End of an Era

24 hours. That’s the number of hours left for my 21st birthday. I was just lazing around on the couch today taking advantage of the weekend when my best friend from India messaged me on WhatsApp asking me how do I feel knowing that I am going to be 21 after 24 hours. To be honest, the first word that came to my mind to describe its state was, ‘PATHETIC’.

You must be thinking I am weird. You’re not alone. So do I. But I really cannot feel happy from within. And not without reason. I just cannot accept the fact that I am going to be referred to as a woman from tomorrow. I really cannot believe that my girlhood is over. Or maybe, it won’t because some say, age is just a number. And the vigour of youth can be felt at any age, as long as the heart is young. But still, knowing that during the same time of next year,  I would be almost done with my college definitely does not help matters. I just cannot shake off the terrible truth that tomorrow would be my last birthday celebration with my friends in college. Who knows where life takes us after this? Who knows whether we would even have the time for each other once college is done? And thinking about the amount of responsibilities I am going to be facing after college is done, creeps me out even more.

How has time passed by so quickly? I really do not know. I can still remember being a kid, counting years on my fingers till I could get a driving license and drive coolly like my Dad. And now, it all seems so futile. All I heartily wish for now, is to go back in time to those days when all that mattered was play, play and more play. Those days when that Cola flavored lollipop was the best thing in the world. Those days when all I wished for was getting into a school like Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (from the Harry Potter franchise) and ride on a broomstick all over the world. Those days when birthday celebrations with my childhood friends really were HAPPY Birthdays.

Happy birthdays have somewhat ceased to exist in my life since the past 3 years. Maybe I am being melodramatic. But well, when I am in a mood so low, I can’t help being a tragic, whining idiot. But I cannot be blamed. Its the events that have unfolded since then that force me to think so. All my life, I had dreamed that my 18th birthday would be the best one. Unfortunately, it did not. One mistake, one wrong choice ruined it all. And that day became the day I had to part ways with a significant part of my life. And every birthday after that has never stopped to remind me of that day, those moments of pain which seemed like they would never end, and those tears that never ceased. Although now I know, that I cried in vain, and that the decision I made that day was probably the best decision of my life, I still cannot rid myself of the sinking feeling in my stomach when those immortal memories that were asleep, suddenly awaken to remind me that I’ve not healed completely. That I need some more time.

Deep down, I know that I am being very ungrateful to Allah (God in Arabic), because I know that I have been truly Blessed with such wonderful, understanding parents, such awesome siblings and amazing friends who love me dearly, everyday of my life. And just the thought that all of them are still there uplifts me. But I still do not have expectations from anyone. I just avoid expecting too much, because expectations hurt and I cannot afford to be hurt more. I cannot inflict myself with new wounds, when the marks of the old ones can still be seen. I can go on and on, but no amount of words would suffice to express my confused feelings between joy and sorrow, and hope and hopelessness. Besides, life is all about surprises. It takes a new turn every single day, and expecting something and ending up with something else really shatters one, so it’s better to just sit back and wait to see what Allah has written down in our fate. Sometimes, that is all, we, as humans can do. Sometimes, it’s just not in our hands. Not everything is under our control. Whether we like it or not, truth is, this story, the story of our life, is not written by us. It is written by the Superpower that resides high up in the Heavens. As Shakespeare rightly wrote in his famous play, ‘As You Like It’, ‘All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players…’



Hyderabadi-born, Dubai-raised, a hybrid of introvert and extrovert, walking clown among friends, angry-looking stranger but above all, a LOVER of peace, family, friends, BOOKS and FOOD!

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