When some dreams die…

So I am back from yet another mini vacation and this marks the end of my holidays for good (for the current year anyways :P). Kerala was a beautiful place with cleaner and fresher air, roads lined with tall coconut and neem trees, most people blessed with a variety of vegetation in their small haven- bananas, mangoes, coconuts, tamarind and guavas. They are probably more of which I can’t recount. And yes, my best friend got married.

As much as it is definitely a life-changing experience for her, I felt that her marriage also had a significant impact on me. It made me think of issues I had been avoiding for so long, putting them off for the right time. But in reality, the time is never right. Its only a matter of whether we are ready to understand, reflect on and accept the issue or not. As her wedding ceremony progressed before my eyes, I felt a weird pang of uneasiness in my gut. Snippets of past conversations with my parents, their plans for my wedding, my belief in my plans, a pact that was made between us after a compromise, defining moments of my life so far, all of these managed to trigger a flood of panic in my mind. I did what was best- swallow it all and put it off for later. Not when my friend was at the altar.

But the wedding is over now. The time seems to have come. The issue, even more unavoidable. The demand for a decision growing stronger. I conclude that no matter how hard you work for something to happen, how much you pray to the Higher Power, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. I always liked to believe that if I think something will happen to me, it will happen to me. But I am proved wrong now. People say that whatever happens is for the best. That years later, I will realize why this didn’t work out and that did, and I would be grateful. Even if that’s true, I still have to go through my emotional turmoil, cringe and weep for God knows how many cycles of despair. What about that? Who or what deserves to be blamed? My stupid courage, my too-good-to-be-true dreams, my desperate determination to make it all fine or just the whole of me? I don’t even know what I want anymore. And nothing could be worse than that. Period.