While some people find solace in music, some others in chocolate, or even smoking, I find myself in tranquility when I read. It simply clears my mind of all my internal battles and conflicts.
I was reading this book ‘Mrs.Funnybones’ by ‘Twinkle Khanna’ recently. The author was previously a Bollywood actress and currently an interior designer and wife of one of Bollywood’s popular stars of current times, Akshay Kumar. Until recently, I didn’t even know that she writes and has a monthly column in Times of India. Somehow, I came across this book and boy, I am so happy by my discovery. Her writing is so fresh and vivid. The humor it exudes has just the right balance of depravity and morality. Humor aside, I could connect with her observations of this funny world, it’s lies, deception, and superficiality.
The whole book subtly offers wisdom to those who seek for it but the lines below made a remarkable impact on me. An impact that propelled me to write this post.
Although I shamelessly wish if Twinkle could also let me know how to distinguish a situation’s worth to decide whether one should keep trying or holding on. I wish I could buy a device (or use my engineering tools and invent one 😜) which could measure a task or situation and decide when it is time to let go. Isn’t that the toughest deal? To know when something/someone is not worth the effort anymore. Following one’s heart can be tricky because at one point, it becomes difficult to comprehend the difference between deep faith and raw intution.
The future will always remain a mystery but the path we tread on is a consequence of our choice(s). Our choice(s) between trying, giving up and letting go.
So I am back from yet another mini vacation and this marks the end of my holidays for good (for the current year anyways :P). Kerala was a beautiful place with cleaner and fresher air, roads lined with tall coconut and neem trees, most people blessed with a variety of vegetation in their small haven- bananas, mangoes, coconuts, tamarind and guavas. They are probably more of which I can’t recount. And yes, my best friend got married.
As much as it is definitely a life-changing experience for her, I felt that her marriage also had a significant impact on me. It made me think of issues I had been avoiding for so long, putting them off for the right time. But in reality, the time is never right. Its only a matter of whether we are ready to understand, reflect on and accept the issue or not. As her wedding ceremony progressed before my eyes, I felt a weird pang of uneasiness in my gut. Snippets of past conversations with my parents, their plans for my wedding, my belief in my plans, a pact that was made between us after a compromise, defining moments of my life so far, all of these managed to trigger a flood of panic in my mind. I did what was best- swallow it all and put it off for later. Not when my friend was at the altar.
But the wedding is over now. The time seems to have come. The issue, even more unavoidable. The demand for a decision growing stronger. I conclude that no matter how hard you work for something to happen, how much you pray to the Higher Power, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. I always liked to believe that if I think something will happen to me, it will happen to me. But I am proved wrong now. People say that whatever happens is for the best. That years later, I will realize why this didn’t work out and that did, and I would be grateful. Even if that’s true, I still have to go through my emotional turmoil, cringe and weep for God knows how many cycles of despair. What about that? Who or what deserves to be blamed? My stupid courage, my too-good-to-be-true dreams, my desperate determination to make it all fine or just the whole of me? I don’t even know what I want anymore. And nothing could be worse than that. Period.